Crossing a Threshold

Two weeks from now, we will be sitting in the Bryce Jordan Center honoring a group of Pennsylvania State University graduates including our daughter Emily. Over the last few years, we have held close to the present moment while also understanding how quickly this day would come. And here we are.

It has been a journey, Boo, and what a beautiful one. You have held your heart high learning how to find your way at a huge university during a pandemic. You have embraced your passions of rowing and connecting with a team both at Penn State and Victoria University of Wellington. You’ve worked with your teammates to raise funds and awareness for THON through the years. You have made lasting friendships and memories that your heart will carry through your lifetime.

In the classroom, you’ve excelled at your academics by making the dean’s list every semester and participating in research studies with your professors on campus. Just this semester you’ve healed through a broken hip and are on your way back into your running shoes. What a weekend we are coming out of even now … celebrating together 30 years of our Penn State Crew family. It is an honor to now hold with you the space of two generations of Penn State grads, and also the space of two generations of PSU Crew alum.

In addition to filling your time on campus and in town, you have remained an integral part of our immediate family by sharing time between home here in Centre County and home in Western NY. A massive piece of sharing your time with family has been your dedication to embracing Grandpa over these past six years while he’s been under our care. Your love, presence, and countless moments spent with G’Pa through these years have held him here. You lit up his world from Day 1, Peanut, and his dream was to witness you cross this threshold of receiving your diploma in two weeks. He almost made it. And, even though he won’t be sitting with us in that auditorium in two weeks, I know full well both he and G’Ma, Aunt Becky, Grandpa Bob, and an army of your radiant ancestors will be holding your hand as you cross that stage to receive your degree.

Here is to your fierce and gentle heart. Here is to your dreams. Here is to your future as you help light the way forward. We absolutely love you. We are so proud of you. We are—ancestors included—cheering you on every step of the way

WE ARE!!!

Dear Dad

Dear Dad,

For you, a perfect Sunday was to start off by sharing a big breakfast with us along with a Bloody Mary (with bacon, of course!) and then to get the Steelers on.

On this Sunday afternoon I sit here at the dining room table. This brisk and wild January wind is blowing all of the sets of chimes out there on the deck, and the late afternoon sun is pouring through the window warming my face and my tears as they pour down my cheeks.

On this Sunday afternoon I sit here equipped with my Bloody Mary (with bacon, of course) and my pen and pad. Through tears of happiness and heartbreak I begin to collect some thoughts.

How do I encapsulate the legacy of your 81+ embodied years… living as an absolutely stellar, loving, faithful, heartfelt, kind, gentle, soft, wise, humble, community-minded, service-oriented, nurturing, fun, and generous human being? You carried more integrity in your little finger than most in their entire being-ness. You were also daring, adventurous, naughty, rebellious, and dangerous (a bit, haha). You are truly a good man and a badass too. And… swoon… sooo handsome (I know, I know… you always brushed off compliments, yet they kept coming).

You are my best friend, #1 cheerleader from Day 1, lifelong confidant, and Anam Cara. You are the greatest father I could have ever asked, dreamed, prayed, and hoped for. You have been the best G’Pa for Emily for almost 22 years, and then being here for Lili as a bonus-G’Pa these past nine years. You have been the best brother for your sister. You have been the best father-in-law for both Jeff and for David. You have been a best friend to all you meet. Above all, you were the most amazing, loving, and loyal partner for your wife of 60 years. We let you know last week your mission was to reconnect with Mom, and wow, I hope your reunion has been glorious. I truly hope and pray all is well now.

We are so damn blessed to have six extra years with you after Mom’s sudden passing in 2018. With you living with us, we three generations saw and experienced life to the fullest together. All of it. You didn’t even miss a beat with your move to receive 24-hour care at the Hollidaysburg Veterans’ Home in August 2022. We have been blessed to still share time with you often, and I am delighted that even on those days we were together in person we’d still be on the phone three, four, five, six times a day checking in on each other. We always told each other we loved each other more than once on those calls. I heard you share those three words for the last time last Monday… so almost a week ago... I will treasure that, and will also hold close in my heart the last gaze and smile you gifted me Thursday.

I feel hollowed knowing the phone now will not ring with you on the other line. I hold hope and pray you and I remain close. I still need you, and even while I celebrate you and am so proud of your great big and wondrous Heavenly step Friday, I have absolutely no idea how to live life without you now…. I am gutted knowing you’re not in your bedroom here at our home. My heart aches with how much I already miss you. Even though you were small in stature, you carried a huge heart presence. I am feeling that loss of your physical presence and yet I feel your heart and love everywhere now… it is going to take me some time to adjust, I know.

Dad, you were not only a stellar human within our family circle, you embraced everyone in the greater community circles to feel like family too. In these last six years especially, I have witnessed and learned (up through even today) how you have touched so many people’s lives. You are a healer and and a helper: one who has been placed here to most definitely make the world a better place.

Aside from being my father, you have also been my first teacher and mentor. Even in your last moments you were showing me how much there is to see when we slow down, remain soft and steady and quiet, remain present, and breathe. You showed me what it was to experience a very good death. I have so much to learn from you still… we all do. Please continue to teach us. I am so proud of and happy for you and I am learning how to celebrate your passing with all my might.

I pray I follow in your footsteps as you lead. I will forever be grateful for everything… thank you.

I wish for you sunset walks on the beach with Mom. I know you two always loved that threshold place of sun, wind, sand, and water.

I wish for you access to a lot of fast cars, motorcycles, helicopters, and hot-rod vintage beauties with big engines. Jeeps and old Mustangs, especially... I hope you can work on them there too ‘cause that’s what you loved to do.

I wish for you treasure troves of beautiful, straight, raw wood to shape, mold, craft, build with, sand and stain. I hope to follow in your footsteps here too as I embrace woodworking. (I’m keeping your tools though, so you’ll have to find your own there, ha!)

I wish for you thousands of books to read. Wow, I love your love of reading.

I wish for you the reconnection with all of your loving pups... Laddie, Loupe, Heidi, Samantha, and Lil' Bit. Please give Libby, Brown Dog, Smokey, Porter, and Kolby my love (and a rawhide too).

I wish you well on your final flight, Sir. Godspeed. Thank you for your service.

Raising my glass right back to you. I will listen for your voice and feel your embrace on the wind.

I love you All Ways ~

Jennifer

P.S. I hope you get to meet Tina and I hope Mom has hooked up with Elvis :)

***

Thank you in advance for all who have held space for us these past six years while we've cared and advocated for Dad. A big celebration is forthcoming... May 4th in Murrysville, PA. More details to come soon

The Sacred and the Mundane

I am dedicating this to the most sacred of places we may find mundane, normal, and passed by.

This is the entrance to a country driveway. This is a spot that most drive past every day without even taking notice. To the left of this drive is a large, bountiful cornfield. To the right is a pasture for beautiful and friendly dairy cows.

What I can share about this spot is that it may be the most magical of all passed by places on Earth. For this spot is where, eight years ago, I was held for the very first time by the Man who caught my breath in my chest and heart and dreams, and who invited me to rethink everything about what I understood a relationship could be.

This is the place where I Knew when I first held Him, I was holding onto a great tree of a Man - an ancient oak of a Man. I immediately Felt this and Knew this as soon as I put my arms around Him in this place, that He could hold me steady through all of what Life has to contribute. And, not only have we held each other through the storms, we have held each other in tenderness, laughter, joy, healing, connection, hope, creativity, and immense expansion as individuals.

When I pass by this place I feel the rush, the excitement, and the promise.

Here is to all of the sacred places we pass by every day. We may not understand it immediately in our mundane daily flow, but we pass by places like this every day... places where love has been kindled and places where love has been lost... places where life has been created and places where life has transitioned... places where brilliance has been fully realized and places where great suffering and atrocities have occurred.

The land upon which we all move is the same land upon which our ancient peoples moved... ancestors of ancestors. They hold us even now as we move through our daily and sacred mundane. The land holds us now through our daily and sacred mundane.

Please notice all of these sacred and mundane and normal places as you pass by. All we need to do is to slow down, to listen, and to become aware that these places exist everywhere.

The land and our collective ancestors will benefit from our attention, our care, and our tending.

---

Until next time I offer these words of wisdom for better or for worse. Please take them with a grain of salt for we each live our own individual truths. Our mission while we are here is to understand, accept, and celebrate that one very simple, but incredibly significant fact. For all this, I am grateful.

---