The "Firsts"

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They say the “firsts” are the hardest. I’m somewhat on board with that feeling, although I had a lot of “firsts” with my mom’s passing that were not typical. For my dad, we honored his first birthday this past Thursday since his passing in January. He would have been 82.

To be honest he was not much of a birthday guy and argued each year about not wanting to celebrate and grumbled about getting older and less able-bodied. He was angry at his body and so we did our best to cheer him regularly, especially on each of the six birthdays he was with us after my mom’s passing. It felt important to share with him that we were glad he was still here with us and experiencing more of life with us than he ever had the opportunity to do so before. Celebration was not something he and my mom practiced easily.

I dreamt of him in the early hours of his birthday on Thursday. We embraced tightly as if we hadn’t seen each other in a very long time. He was happy. What a gift I was given! I cherish the moments in dreams we connect, and each time I am reminded that he is doing well.

We have memories to lean into and I am glad to have photos of him from earlier times. In this image, he is on the beach near where I lived in Florida with my faithful companion Brown Dog. He looks strong and healthy, straight and happy. He had many health challenges already at this time, and yet I will hold him in this place for a while in my heart feeling his love and seeing his smile, hearing the gentle surf of that day, feeling the sun on our skin, and sharing a peaceful moment of connection.

Happy birthday, Papa. I’m so glad we had an extra six years. I love you ❤️

Until next time I offer these words of wisdom for better or for worse. Please take them with a grain of salt for we each live our own individual truths. Our mission while we are here is to understand, accept, and celebrate that one very simple, but incredibly significant fact. For all this, I am grateful.

Closing the Circle

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We spent the long weekend honoring my dad and laying to rest his and Mom's ashes. We now close the circle of her sudden passing six years ago and complete this chapter of learning how to become spontaneous caregivers for Dad who has needed us so desperately.

I realize on the other side of this weekend I can now start to reframe the stories, experiences, hardships, and heartaches of being parented by two incredibly lovely, yet devastatingly out of balance individuals. They were trying to do their best. Life is full of contrasts, isn’t it? I have so much deep healing to do and stories to understand. I know I would not be who I am today without the family who raised me. Blessing upon blessing, I have also been raised (and continue to be raised) by so very many who are not related to me through bloodlines.

One thing I know for certain is that I have needed community to help care for and advocate for us especially in dire times. I've learned I cannot and do not want to journey on my own in this lifetime. No man (or woman) is an island, yet this is the message I was taught and shown for 42 years. For my mom and my maternal lineage especially, asking for assistance was shown to be a weakness and significant lack of character. How debilitating this message was and how my heart goes out to all who are not able to trust others and reach out for help when they need it most.

Now more than ever we also need to be fully accountable, honest, and vulnerable. How else are we going to make it? Every day this is our choice.

The clarity created out of absolute necessity these past six years has provided a canvas upon which to build a solid new foundation. I will begin to build again. Rest is first though: my mind has been overwhelmed, my body is exhausted, and my spirit absolutely needs quiet and stillness and space to learn how to breathe again.

I hope to write more about all of this when I find the balance in my heart and in words. I feel there will be many words to share.

For now, I thank all who have offered love, support, and encouragement through the years. I see you and I hold you close. For the first time in so many years, I am starting to see the light of hope and joy and connection in the future again.

Image: the meadow space at home where I plan to spend a lot of time in the coming months laying on the ground and coming back to foundational basics.

Until next time I offer these words of wisdom for better or for worse. Please take them with a grain of salt for we each live our own individual truths. Our mission while we are here is to understand, accept, and celebrate that one very simple, but incredibly significant fact. For all this, I am grateful.

New Beginnings

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I have always found writing to be inspirational and transformational. Creating connection and healing through words has been my primary form of work for a decade, and yet writing creatively outside of work with regular intent is something I have put on the back burner these past five+ years while my world regularly danced and dangled me upside down. As space comes back into my life, so do the shapes, images, colors, textures, channels, and words that flow through me. To say the least I am very excited.

This coming Sunday I begin a new project dedicated to writing and rest and soul work with an exceptional writer I have followed for many years. Join in if you feel called. I find David Whyte's "Three Sunday Series" to be a small and manageable commitment that will pay off for many moons to come. My fountain pens are inked, and my journals are ready.

https://live.davidwhyte.com/

Until next time I offer these words of wisdom for better or for worse. Please take them with a grain of salt for we each live our own individual truths. Our mission while we are here is to understand, accept, and celebrate that one very simple, but incredibly significant fact. For all this, I am grateful.

The Art of Change

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Wow... I shared this image SIX YEARS ago on Facebook?

The world was a very, very, very different place for my heart and reality six years ago. Never ever would I have imagined the shifts our family would move through since then, especially beginning in April 2018. I am choosing to celebrate It All.

My husband and I shared a good old-fashioned gratitude-induced cry in the kitchen this morning. We have been by each other's side since 2015 (living 3.5 hours away from each other for most of this time) and for that I am incredibly grateful. So much to share and so much to honor, especially these home spaces that have held us through the years. The invitation continues to open for so much healing and rest and connecting here in this current reality after all we’ve moved through, especially after the massive shake-ups of the past five years. I am grateful and happy to understand I am feeling a bit more robust each day and I am looking forward to some mighty adventures in the coming months.

Still, I am feeling nostalgic for this amazing space I called home for five beautiful years between 2013 and 2018. I miss this garden.... those rocks and that quince... the apple tree in the back where the doe would graze in the late summer mornings and evenings while their fawns stayed close by in the tall grass. I miss that double rocking chair. I miss that beautiful barn. I miss being close to the circle of my closest women-sisters, knowing this home and the spirit of this home held so many of us women and our children and our dreams through deep life transitions. I miss drinking coffee out of that fantastic mug (she holds paint brushes now in my creative space). I miss the idea of what I thought the years between 2018 and 2023 would look like.

Yet, it's all been so beautiful and filled with blessings despite the different and immediate circumstances I was invited into. Different and difficult yes, yet marvelous in so many ways and grounded in instinct and the power of rootedness to place and what Home really means to me. Life is full of change, and while I have been practicing the Art of Change for almost all of my close-to-50-years on the planet, I can say the last five years have really been the biggest learning curve. I know I carry forward so much from these times of learning including my heart who is softer and more open and receptive than I could ever imagine.

I Am Here, no matter where my heart finds herself. I Am Home now, no matter where my home space may be. I Am Grateful for It All <3

Until next time I offer these words of wisdom for better or for worse. Please take them with a grain of salt for we each live our own individual truths. Our mission while we are here is to understand, accept, and celebrate that one very simple, but incredibly significant fact. For all this, I am grateful.